Look at this photo. I look happy, right? And I was. But what you don’t see is that, when this was taken, I was also carrying heartbreak, confusion, and deep sadness.
There have been moments in my life where I’ve been going through something awful, yet, for a brief second, I’ve laughed, felt joy, or simply enjoyed a moment of peace. And then, almost immediately, guilt crept in.
How can I smile when I’m grieving?
How can I laugh when things are falling apart?
How can I enjoy this when I know something painful is happening?
If you’ve ever felt this way, you’re not alone. Being an adult means learning to hold both.
The Heartache of Feeling Happy
I once worked with a grieving client who was heartbroken after the loss of her beloved husband. For months, her world felt shattered. And yet, as time went on, small moments of lightness crept in; laughter with friends, an afternoon of peace, even a flicker of new love.
But instead of allowing herself to feel these moments fully, she punished herself with guilt.
Does feeling happy mean I’m forgetting him?
Would he be disappointed in me for moving forward?
If I can still experience joy, does that mean I’m not grieving enough?
This cycle of guilt for happiness kept her stuck. But through therapy, she learned that grief and joy aren’t enemies, they’re companions. She could love and miss her husband while still embracing the life that remained.
Why We Struggle to Feel Joy in Hard Times
Many of us are taught to see emotions in black and white, as if happiness and sadness can’t exist at the same time. We think we have to choose one or the other. But in reality, life is messy, layered, and full of emotional contradictions.
Grief, stress, or heartbreak don’t erase the small, beautiful moments of joy that still happen in between. And yet, when we allow ourselves to feel that joy, we sometimes pull away afraid that it means we aren’t taking our pain seriously enough.
But here’s the truth:
Feeling joy doesn’t mean you aren’t struggling.
Laughing doesn’t mean you don’t care.
Enjoying life doesn’t mean your pain isn’t valid.
How to Hold Both: Practical Tools for Managing Emotional Duality
If you often feel guilty for experiencing happiness when life feels heavy, here are a few ways to make peace with both emotions.
1. Name Both Feelings Without Judgement
Instead of thinking, I shouldn’t be happy right now, try saying:
Right now, I feel both sadness and gratitude.
I’m grieving, and I just had a beautiful moment of connection.
When we label our emotions without judgment, we stop fighting them. You can feel both at the same time.
2. Give Yourself Permission to Feel Good (Even for a Moment)
If joy appears, whether in a laugh with a friend, a song on the radio, or a warm drink on a cold day, let yourself have it.
Remind yourself:
This moment of happiness doesn’t erase my struggle.
I am allowed to feel good, even in the midst of something hard.
Joy isn’t something you have to earn, it’s part of what keeps us going.
3. Ground Yourself in the Present
Sometimes, we cut ourselves off from happiness because we’re thinking about what we’ve lost, what’s missing, or what’s uncertain. When that happens, try this:
Take a deep breath and focus on what’s in front of you.
Notice one thing you see, one thing you hear, and one thing you feel.
Remind yourself that being present in this moment doesn’t dishonour the past or the future.
Happiness isn’t something we chase, it’s something we allow, right here, right now.
Let’s Talk About It
Have you ever found yourself pulling away from joy because of something painful? It’s something many people struggle with, but you don’t have to figure it out alone.
If you’re finding it hard to balance the heaviness of life with moments of happiness, therapy can help you find peace in the in-between.
Book a free 30-minute discovery call today and let’s talk about how to lighten the load you’re carrying.
Final Thought
The truth is, heaviness and happiness must coexist, because life is never just one or the other. Learning to hold both is one of the hardest, but most important, emotional skills we can develop.
So when joy arrives, don’t push it away. Let it sit beside your grief, your stress, your sadness. Let it remind you that even in the hardest times, there is still light.
And if you need help finding that balance, we are here.
Comments